Shakespeare is credited by the Oxford English Dictionary with the introduction of nearly 3,000 words into the language. Which is just…I mean…come on.
Enter Bernardo and Francisco, two sentinels.
Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.
Long live the king!
You come most carefully upon your hour.
’Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco.
You’d not risk your wife’s Scrimulation,
With lateness, would ye?
Nay, I suppose I would not…
Scrimulation you say?
As in, to Scrimulate?
Ne’er heard I such language.
‘Tis employed in the lay, I am told.
Told by whom?
Mayhaps he was a tinker, yet he was
In what context did this
Simple tinker employ this-
O, let me ponder but
A moment. Er-
Something about, er, nay. Tush tush, it has
Slippèd my mind.
Well ‘tis a glaring
Omission in mine own lexicon.
But as Lady Fortune would have’t,
Ipossess here rare copy of th’ Elsinore
Unabridgèd Dictionary, stowed with
Mine armor many a weary eve’n
T’occupy my wary mind amidst the
Still and hollow sands of our watch, ere the
Russet mantle of Phoebus bedecks the
Heavens anew. So let us see…
Screech, screeching, scrim—
Tarry not to fret nor to quibble.
‘Tis past twelve; speed thee to bed, man.
For this relief much thanks: ‘tis bitter cold,
And I am sick at heart. Scrimulation.
Hum. Well, give you good night .
Adieu till the Elanthiptical morrow!
[Enter again Francisco, hurriedly.]
What didst thou call?
O, halloo. Methought you had retired.
Indeed. As I thought too. Now what ‘twas you
Called to me?
Tush tush. ‘Twas but a parting
Nay, I mean to say,
Thou augur’d the morrow in strange fashion. W
ith which modifier didst thou describe’t?
Nay, not “The.” T‘other, thou dullard.
Tush tush, ‘Cisco. Why such int’rest in my
Speech at such late hour? Tush, tush. Th’hoary
Gates of Tartar stand agape yet here we
I would know this élan- that word
No tush! If thou wilt not
Share with me, my thirst must slake avec
What meanest thou by, “Uh…Hark?”
Hark, I heard a keen wailing?
Dost thou ask or
Dost thou report?
I heard a keen wailing.
And ‘twas keen.
‘Tis humorous, sith I
Perceiveth’d no keen wailing. Nor did I
Espy a keen wailer. Come, do not my
That word whose speaking was much the like to
Elliptical yet was by some strangeness altered?
Elanthiptical? Have I hit the mark?
Hark! That wailing, returnèd. ‘Tis keener
Than ever! O, the keenness! Hark!
Keen wailing? ‘Tis a ‘hoot.’ From an owl.
Art thou daft? Truly, thou mayst confess it.
O, simple ‘Cisco. Thou art the daft one. Ha!
And deaf! Ha! ‘Twas not an owl keening
And wailing but now. Ha!
And Also Tush Tush.
I’faith, Ha! Hark! Tush!
Wait for it…
Sigh. Then by what name goes this keening,
Wailing beast which maketh the Hoot Hoot?
[Bernardo picks at something on his arm.]
Hark yet again!
[Bernardo stares footward.]
Come now, dull pate. What name?
Tar- [covers mouth, coughs]
Tarmin. A Tarmin, thou smug over-letter’d
Bastard, a damnèd Tarmin.
Seriously, Bernardo. Truly, now.
No dissembling. Tell me, with honest heart:
Art thou a fucking moron?
But a moment, please.
With whom dost thou prattle?
Ah, so thou thinkest me the feeble of mind?
And yet whose wisdom lacked the words of a
Simple tinker? Was’t mine? Was’t the ow—
I mean Tarmin’s? Or was’t thine, O Simple
Thou speakest the right, man.
I know not your Scrimulation, nor what
An Ellanthiptical morrow portends,
Nor why the sound a Tarmin emits is
Twin to the common forest owl. I’ fact,
If asked how one might Scrimulate
A Tarmin Ellanthiptic’lly, as lost
As Theseus sans Ariadne in
Minas’ labyrinth would be I. Wait. Hush.
Voila, they sound once more! Hoot Hoot!
O, those boist’rous Tarmins.
The plural of Tarmin
Is Tarmini, not tarmins, thou pompous
[Ghost twirls finger for them to wrap it up.]
And if the vasty fields of
Thy mind hold such fertile soil, why take up
Castle guard as employ? Am I t’assume
The joiner’s guild already met their “Preening
Malcontent” hiring quota for the year?
For thine edification-
-I joinèd this guard to honor now late
Our king. Lamentable tears, come you now!
O, Hamlet! Dead King Hamlet, return t’us!
Mirth live eternal in mine heart if but
Thy ghost fleshless, yet visible mind you,
Were to haunt these turrets and chase ‘way this
Foolish fardel afore me!
[Ghost waves arms in front of Francisco.]
O, would thou wert Hades’ truant tonight!
[Ghost jumps about in front of Francisco.]
Earthèd Hamlet! Buried Hamlet! Still and
Wormy Hamlet with melty face and goopy
Spleen, dead these two months, nay not so much
Not two, pray speak to us!
[Ghost sticks tongue in Francisco’s ear.]
I speak not of the melancholic prince
Hamlet, who is alive, but the dead one,
Who also is namèd Hamlet, as is
The custom in Denmark’s patriarchy.
[Ghost crumples to floor in ghost tears.]
Just so everyone is clear on this point.
[Ghost glares at Francisco.]
O! O, O, O, O!
[Nearly O.S. the Ghost hoots.]
There ‘tis! The noble Tarmin hath returned!
[Exit Ghost again, does fist pump.]
Though judging by the timbre in this one’s
Throat, ‘tis not just any Tarmin, but one
Of th’elusive and rare…
Nautipular Tarmini. I see.
Might it be also of the-
Or is its heritage
Neo-Phomanian in origin?
But it must needs be, er…
Tzulkratizèd, of course, with, well,
Utilizing only the most modern
Mipricocious techniques in as, uh…
Saludious a manner as possible
To be fully assured, wouldn’t one,
Simple Simple Simple ‘Cisco?
Hurrah! Thrice Simpl’d! Thanks sirrah.
And may I cry thy talents to all: A
Splendible grasp of numbers
Thou possess! Thy knowledge of things is
Almost -what is the word-
Gristastical, yes, in its scope.
Truly thy faculties have reached that final
Bristiloprauklid plateau of wisdom,
Pestuary of the unknowable.
Excuse me, not unknowable, I meant
Of course of course. Thou art nothing if not Viclavitous, Bernardo. Blessings and
Galubritations be on thy most
Indeed. And a (terrified goat noise) to you.
[Exeunt Francisco as he drop kicks the dictionary O.S.]