Happy Administrative Professional’s Day. Even if you’ve been fired, we’ll still miss you.

DON’T WAKE THE CEILING MONSTER. JUST DON’T.

HAPPY ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONAL’S DAY!

THE DARRENS

Episode 1

Listen up. I’m an actor. First and foremost. It’s like, my life, guys. And lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of bad talk about Los Angeles being a bad place to learn about acting. People say you can’t be considered a “serious actor” if you start out here. Well, I am serious.

Serious about acting, that is.

For three months I’ve been studying with Don Welton. I’m sure those of you who are IN ANY WAY involved with the industry know who Don is and what an institution he is. For those of you who don’t, he’s the foremost practitioner and the creator of the Welton Technique. If that weren’t enough, he was also best friends with Stella Adler. Yup. That’s right. Stella. I remember one time, in class, Don was telling me how he and Stella were rehearsing Streetcar (that’s actor shorthand for Tennessee William’s A STREETCAR THAT IS NAMED DESIRE). He was playing opposite her Ophelia, and when his turn came during the balcony scene to sing the “Memories” duo, he told me she was so nervous, he had to hold her hand the entire time. From that day on, he told me, she attended every single one of his classes. You see even Ms. Adler herself was a student of the Welton Technique.

Now, I’ve been around for a while. It’s not like I just jumped into this class without checking it out. Hell no. I have a list of free class audits (on my resume) that include but are not limited to Mary Gillstein, Larry Mossberg, Hendry McFarlane, and Alon Detara. Yeah, I know. Pretty much everyone good in town. So even if I’m not in class with them now, I at least sat in on one of their classes. And that’s half the battle.

So the next time I hear some New York actor talking about how great Jewelyard or Y.A.L.E. was or some London-trained jerk bragging about what a good school RAMDA is, I’m just going to put on a big grin and let them go their own sad way. Because I know they wouldn’t have a chance in Don’s class. You see, Don doesn’t put up with that stylized, pompous acting. No games with Don. Unlike those places where they make you run around in silly costumes and speak in Shakespeare, Don’s got four simple rules that summarize his 70 years of acting experience. We call them the Four Pillars:

1. ACTING IS ABOUT PHYSICAL CONTACT.
2. CLOTHES INHIBIT THAT CONTACT.
3. THERE ARE NO GENDERS IN ACTING.
4. WHAT HAPPENS IN THE CLASSROOM STAYS IN THE CLASSROOM.

If those snobs in New York and London had any idea how simple acting was! You don’t need to go to school for a year! Or two or three! God no! A few classes with Don, and I was so loose and free, in my craft, that I could do any scene. Don’s feedback is always accurate and in depth too. Lucky for me, he tells me I need to work on very little as a consequence of my innate talent and my openness, to his technique. I always leave class feeling full, full of a new life force, full of Don’s inner being, his strength. You see, a good acting teacher - and Don’s the best - gives of himself as much as he expects from his students. And Don gives! “Free time” means nothing to him. He gives so much he even organized a softball team for our class. Don’s the pitcher. I catch. Now that’s a teacher!

And that, fellow thespians, is what the craft is all about: love, attention, and trust. But I’m just a simple actor, so what do I know?

Skobie Lawrence has studied with over 15 cold reading teachers and has appeared in the background on JAG twice. He is eligible to join SAG in July. He can currently be seen in the Welton School’s production of BURIED CHILD in the lead role of Cole Porter. Tickets on sale now through the Alley Cat Theater Box Office, West Hollywood, CA.

12 plays

I found this old mp3 of my former favorite NPR show, ALL THINGS BEING EQUAL (WHICH THEY ARE). ATBE(WTA) aired every week for 25 years but was canceled in 2010 after this Deepwater Horizon follow up report. Gregory Stable and Pameela Saxon report.

Weather Channel Classic has issued this classic warning. 

THE LISTINGS
Requests for archived publications from before 1626 must be addressed:
c/o Archive Request
Time Out Weckquaesgeeks Tribal Hunting Grounds
Small chunk of land not yet usurped, New Amsterdam

AROUND TOWN
EVENTS
KNIGHTS OF HUDSON
This fraternal society of Hudsons, bound by the ideal of Henry Hudson-to have every new landmark named after them, is open to all males of age named Hudson. This week celebrate the discovery of the Hudson Small Copse of Birch Trees Formerly Hidden by a Low Hill and the Hudson Clouds That Resembled a Fish Then a Castle Then Just Clouds.

LET’S GO DUTCH
A celebration of the all but foregone conclusion that the Americas will soon belong exclusively to our glorious Dutch people. Town Common. 6 of the clock.

NORTHWEST PASSAGE LOTTERY RESULTS
Another 25 more names have been drawn randomly and those men chosen to seek out the elusive shortcut to the East Indies. Monday, names will be nailed to the rector’s door. Wives of the first 100 men who have yet to return will be on site to offer coping strategies to the newly widowed. 

SPINSTERS OF NEW AMSTERDAM
If you are enamored of cats, rocking chairs, and silence, this is the club for you. FCM: Five Cat Minimum.

ROUND EARTH SOCIETY
The eccentric members of this group may have some crazy beliefs, but the public is welcome to party like it’s 1699 with them this Tuesday to celebrate their recent “circumnavigation of the globe.” Whatever that means. 

PERSONAGES ARE TALKING ABOUT…
INDENTURED SERVANTS
Dubbed “the new slavery” by the New Amsterdam Times, servant’s rights abolitionist Lady Allison Coalfitch explains the benefits of having servants wholly dependent upon you without the stigma of slavery. If not for the topic though, come witness the novelty of a woman speaking in public.

MUSEUMS
MUSEUM OF THE MOTIONLESS IMAGE
Explores man’s fascination with pictures that do not move, which is all of them. Interactive portion allows patrons to create their very own still images. Choose between: Bowl of Fruit, Candle by Window, or Goblet Struck by Shaft of Sunlight.

MUSEUM OF THEOLOGICAL HISTORY
Pins and Needles
From the creation of the earth 6000 years ago until now, the most pressing question has always been, “How many angels can fit on the head of a pin?” A to-scale wax display reveals the answer. Also check out the “How Demons Work” exhibit.

Pinpricks in the Sky
New Amsterdam’s recently rebuilt candletarium presents this highly accurate recreation of the night sky. The 30-meter long curtain and 800 candles representing the constellations will make you wonder if you’re inside of doors or out of them. But who’s behind the curtain? Curator Bartholomew Evans of course. And God. Praise God. 

MUSEUM OF DUTCH-AMERICAN HISTORY
This one hall museum, though small, makes up for its size with its freeness. Free.

HISTORICAL REVISIONIST SOCIETY
The only remaining evidence proving indisputably that Norsemen and Chinese discovered America first will be publicly set ablaze all week. Is it hot in here, or is it just the truth burning? Open to the public.

NEW AMSTERDAM TRANSIT MUSEUM
Celebrating the conveniences and advances in travel brought to citizens by the wheel, the horse, and strong backed servants.

BOOKS AND POETRY
24 HOUR BIBLE READING MARATHON
From start to finish, a dozen of NAC’s leading ministers take turns round the clock to read aloud the entirety of the Old and New Testaments. Discussions with the author to follow after you die.

PREACHING THROUGH THE NIGHTSTAND
Gideons discuss their radical plan to spread the Gospel through the leaving of free Bibles in the nightstands of local inns. The prohibitive cost of books begs the question, “Who died and left them a printing press?”
I’M PREDESTINED FOR HEAVEN SO LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED
Calvinist Danforth Purview reads from his mostly autobiographical novel in which the protagonist engages in drinking, gambling and illicit carousing with women of questionable repute after proving theologically that he is bound for heaven. A limited number of guests shall be granted a glance at Mr. Purview’s next work “A Compendium of Persons to Murther Now That I Am Anointed.”

PLAGUES
This week’s returning plagues include insider favorite Pleurisy, the Ague, and The Consumption. New World superstar Smallpox will also be making the rounds. “Out out brief candle” indeed! But then, the bard may have found it tougher to write while contending with 3 continents’ worth of ailments and a tomahawk up his ___. ;)


DANCE
See CLOGGING

MUSIC
VISITING ARTISTS
Jamming on harpsichord tonight with the Prussian born The All-Stars of Minuets is Schroder von Kreiger. Expect both major and minor chords…because these guys take it to that level. 

BATTLE PREACHING
Weekly. Lyrical masters Franciscan Friar Cruci-fikshun and His Eminence Grandmaster Trip duke it out to see whose rhymes can best instill the fear of old Splitfoot into the layman. Favorite verse from last show:
“Your words are like zeros, make less sense than Nero,
You call that salvation? Your faith is on vacation.
That ain’t no fire and brimstone, you make it sound nice, cozy, like my home,
You should give up your clergy gown, 
In fact, we don’t want you here, see you in Jamestown”
(kicks over podium on way out door)

POLITICS
TORY NEWWORLD CONVENTION
The TNC is coming to town and authorities are expecting record protests. Constabularies warn that handcuffs have been invented and will be used if necessary.

TRAVEL
FUNG WAH CARRIAGE SERVICE
New Amsterdam to Boston. 5 schillings each way. No refund.

SEX ADVICE
Do not.

CLASSIFIEDS
Master Barber seeks journeyman/guinea pig on which to experiment with excessive bleeding techniques. Pale and waifish lads need not apply.

THE LISTINGS

Requests for archived publications from before 1626 must be addressed:

c/o Archive Request

Time Out Weckquaesgeeks Tribal Hunting Grounds

Small chunk of land not yet usurped, New Amsterdam

AROUND TOWN

EVENTS

KNIGHTS OF HUDSON

This fraternal society of Hudsons, bound by the ideal of Henry Hudson-to have every new landmark named after them, is open to all males of age named Hudson. This week celebrate the discovery of the Hudson Small Copse of Birch Trees Formerly Hidden by a Low Hill and the Hudson Clouds That Resembled a Fish Then a Castle Then Just Clouds.

LET’S GO DUTCH

A celebration of the all but foregone conclusion that the Americas will soon belong exclusively to our glorious Dutch people. Town Common. 6 of the clock.

NORTHWEST PASSAGE LOTTERY RESULTS

Another 25 more names have been drawn randomly and those men chosen to seek out the elusive shortcut to the East Indies. Monday, names will be nailed to the rector’s door. Wives of the first 100 men who have yet to return will be on site to offer coping strategies to the newly widowed. 

SPINSTERS OF NEW AMSTERDAM

If you are enamored of cats, rocking chairs, and silence, this is the club for you. FCM: Five Cat Minimum.

ROUND EARTH SOCIETY

The eccentric members of this group may have some crazy beliefs, but the public is welcome to party like it’s 1699 with them this Tuesday to celebrate their recent “circumnavigation of the globe.” Whatever that means. 

PERSONAGES ARE TALKING ABOUT…

INDENTURED SERVANTS

Dubbed “the new slavery” by the New Amsterdam Times, servant’s rights abolitionist Lady Allison Coalfitch explains the benefits of having servants wholly dependent upon you without the stigma of slavery. If not for the topic though, come witness the novelty of a woman speaking in public.

MUSEUMS

MUSEUM OF THE MOTIONLESS IMAGE

Explores man’s fascination with pictures that do not move, which is all of them. Interactive portion allows patrons to create their very own still images. Choose between: Bowl of Fruit, Candle by Window, or Goblet Struck by Shaft of Sunlight.

MUSEUM OF THEOLOGICAL HISTORY

Pins and Needles

From the creation of the earth 6000 years ago until now, the most pressing question has always been, “How many angels can fit on the head of a pin?” A to-scale wax display reveals the answer. Also check out the “How Demons Work” exhibit.

Pinpricks in the Sky

New Amsterdam’s recently rebuilt candletarium presents this highly accurate recreation of the night sky. The 30-meter long curtain and 800 candles representing the constellations will make you wonder if you’re inside of doors or out of them. But who’s behind the curtain? Curator Bartholomew Evans of course. And God. Praise God. 

MUSEUM OF DUTCH-AMERICAN HISTORY

This one hall museum, though small, makes up for its size with its freeness. Free.

HISTORICAL REVISIONIST SOCIETY

The only remaining evidence proving indisputably that Norsemen and Chinese discovered America first will be publicly set ablaze all week. Is it hot in here, or is it just the truth burning? Open to the public.

NEW AMSTERDAM TRANSIT MUSEUM

Celebrating the conveniences and advances in travel brought to citizens by the wheel, the horse, and strong backed servants.

BOOKS AND POETRY

24 HOUR BIBLE READING MARATHON

From start to finish, a dozen of NAC’s leading ministers take turns round the clock to read aloud the entirety of the Old and New Testaments. Discussions with the author to follow after you die.

PREACHING THROUGH THE NIGHTSTAND

Gideons discuss their radical plan to spread the Gospel through the leaving of free Bibles in the nightstands of local inns. The prohibitive cost of books begs the question, “Who died and left them a printing press?”

I’M PREDESTINED FOR HEAVEN SO LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED

Calvinist Danforth Purview reads from his mostly autobiographical novel in which the protagonist engages in drinking, gambling and illicit carousing with women of questionable repute after proving theologically that he is bound for heaven. A limited number of guests shall be granted a glance at Mr. Purview’s next work “A Compendium of Persons to Murther Now That I Am Anointed.”

PLAGUES

This week’s returning plagues include insider favorite Pleurisy, the Ague, and The Consumption. New World superstar Smallpox will also be making the rounds. “Out out brief candle” indeed! But then, the bard may have found it tougher to write while contending with 3 continents’ worth of ailments and a tomahawk up his ___. ;)

DANCE

See CLOGGING

MUSIC

VISITING ARTISTS

Jamming on harpsichord tonight with the Prussian born The All-Stars of Minuets is Schroder von Kreiger. Expect both major and minor chords…because these guys take it to that level. 

BATTLE PREACHING

Weekly. Lyrical masters Franciscan Friar Cruci-fikshun and His Eminence Grandmaster Trip duke it out to see whose rhymes can best instill the fear of old Splitfoot into the layman. Favorite verse from last show:

“Your words are like zeros, make less sense than Nero,

You call that salvation? Your faith is on vacation.

That ain’t no fire and brimstone, you make it sound nice, cozy, like my home,

You should give up your clergy gown, 

In fact, we don’t want you here, see you in Jamestown”

(kicks over podium on way out door)

POLITICS

TORY NEWWORLD CONVENTION

The TNC is coming to town and authorities are expecting record protests. Constabularies warn that handcuffs have been invented and will be used if necessary.

TRAVEL

FUNG WAH CARRIAGE SERVICE

New Amsterdam to Boston. 5 schillings each way. No refund.

SEX ADVICE

Do not.

CLASSIFIEDS

Master Barber seeks journeyman/guinea pig on which to experiment with excessive bleeding techniques. Pale and waifish lads need not apply.

TV Without Pity has been shuttered, which means Sean Crespo's long-running series “No Prior Knowledge” is over. So, if you've been waiting for the right moment to hire him for your writing staff, put him in your Transformers movie or just give him his own damn TV show, this is your moment. SEIZE IT.

Packed with protein and low on fat, you can’t beat Crow—well, I mean…you can…you just need to be better organized next time. Come on, Manse. WTF?